Not having to worry
A word of warning: this is not a positive blog post.
If you’re looking for a pick-me-up from me today, stop reading right now. Because this is real, unapologetic and potentially annoying to some. You’ve been warned.
I need to motivate myself out of a major rut right now. I just want to give up, give up with everything, not necessarily business, but just stop fighting against conditions, disease and illness.
For just one day be completely free from worry, strategic thinking, dosages, numbers, potentially killing medication, watching every step I take… Just to be free.
Not to worry about finger pricks, insulin delivery or misinterpreting having to pee as high blood sugar. Not having to worry about whether that food contains gluten, grains, sugar, lactose, casein, soy, caffeine, or that one, yet unidentified ingredient, that still makes me feel like shit from time to time.
Not having to worry about what it is that makes my skin darken and itch like crazy. But hey, at least it’s not cancer, right?!
Not hang to think “wait, did I bring…?” or “do I have X with me?”. Not having to worry about how I’ll pay the next medical bill, the next pharmacy visit or the supplements that make me healthier, but aren’t covered by my health insurance. Not having to worry about whether or not I’ll be alive in 10 years.
Not having to worry about what my next health-increasing step could/should/has to be in order for me to live until I’m old and wrinkly. Not having to worry about what other people think. It’s easy to ignore, sure, but it doesn’t mean you can’t see their judgement/feeling sorry for you/thinking you’re crazy.
Not having to worry about if tomorrow is a “good day” or not. Will I be able to do the things I’ve planned to? Not having to worry about that long distance flight you want to do one day (sure, of course I can travel far. It just takes half a village to figure out how to organise, dose and calculate it)
Not having to worry about your family, parents and near and dear ones worrying about you. Not having to worry about taking a longer walk than I had initially planned to, without it having a major impact on my blood glucose levels. Not having to worry about passing out or collapsing in the street.
Not having to worry about my blood pressure, blood sugar, thyroid, kidneys, eyes, nerves on a daily basis. Not having to worry about what that feeling cold feeling is? Low blood sugar? My digestion kicking in? My thyroid? Or is it just cold in here?
Not having to worry. Just to forget the sometimes gut wrenching, bring-me-to-tears worry. For one day. That’s all I ever want for Christmas, ever. (Yes, even in March) It’s almost as if having a chronic condition brings a friend to the party too. A friend that just won’t leave. Meet Mr. Constant Worry. He’s a blast (not).
The amount of thoughts and worries that go through a person with a (few) chronic condition(s) is staggering. I wonder why this isn’t even considered by most doctors, who will give you very static advice on how to handle certain situations. But it’s up to you to remember to do them, too. Even if you know they won’t work, it’s worth it to scoop together that last bit of energy to try, because, who knows, it might work? Chronic conditions, at least very many, if not all, are incredibly dynamic and ever-changing, making sure to keep you on your toes and that you never have enough success to get cocky.
Ok, so this has been a shit week. I feel frustrated, angry and disappointed. These things happen, it’s part of the fascination with these things. Now I have to look forward and remind myself of all the amazing things I have that I’m so incredibly grateful for.
Lastly, if you want to read a less negative and more objective article on the topic of Type 1 Diabetes, I encourage you to read THIS. A fantastically well written article, well worth reading.
Thank you for listening.
Ps. Wow, I should really take my own advice sometimes. How very fitting last weeks post is for me this week!
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